Querying the Domain: Fashion advice for shitlords

Days Without Winning White T-Shirt Front

If you're anything like me (which is to say, an aspiring shitlord at minimum), then you have been enjoying the hell out of watching the antifags getting their asses kicked and their faces punched in by the Maul-Right's legions.

But, say you're tired of just watching and you want to actually attend one of these little soirees. The question on every well-bred shitlord's mind surely must therefore be: "how does one dress appropriately for such an important social occasion?"

Well, reader Dire Badger has some very useful advice just for you:

Mountain biking pads, helmet, some ski glasses and a pair of impact gloves are lightweight, comfortable, and won't cause a second glance from security.

[A] screw-in fiberglass golf flag cut down to about a foot and a half in length, as well as a 'thor' movie keychain fob (The head of the hammer unscrews, and can be screwed tight into the end of the rod) with a little duct tape and twine wrapped around the cut end for grip, and you have a handy-dandy undetectable CIA baton that will numb limbs and knock people over without doing any actual damage.

We are bringing loads of zip-ties to the next party so that we can leave the worst razor snowflakes for the police to deal with, stacked up in neat little pyramids for their pleasure.

This excellent sartorial advice is immediately granted the Didact's Strategic Defence of the Mantle seal of approval. I thoroughly approve.

The only thing that I would add to this is: a groin cup. Seriously, chaps, if you're going out to a party like the one that they threw at Berkeley the other day, a groin cup will come in handy.

Not only will you make it much more difficult for your dance partners to hit you in the plums without breaking xheir hands- not, of course, that xhey have much clue about hitting anything- but you will probably do a good job of impressing the ladies too. And as we all know, there are few better ways to end a day spent thumping idiots than in the intimate company of a lovely lady. Preferably with an exquisite single-malt at your side.

Let me also just say that, based on my experiences training with weapons, sticks of any kind are a HELL of a lot of fun to use.

Sticks are terrific weapons if you know how to use them. They extend the reach of your arms by their own length, and the longer and sturdier the stick, the more satisfying the crunch that it makes upon impact.

The fact that a stick is a long-range weapon also gives you an idea about how to defend against someone attacking you with a stick. It requires some training but the basic idea is to move to where the stick is ineffective- i.e. the closest range possible. At that point, it becomes a matter of hitting with knees and elbows.

Now obviously that tactic doesn't work against armoured police officers- and I do not, under any circumstances, advocate that you get tangled up with them. Save your attentions for the people attacking you, and let law enforcement sort them out afterwards. There is nothing to be gained from antagonising the authorities- worry about the people who actually matter.

Speaking of sticks, I remember with particular pleasure a training session in which our head instructor told us a story about his days as a bar bouncer in Manhattan. Back then, he would routinely find himself controlling a crowd of unruly folks armed with nothing much more than the various implements that he had available in his immediate surroundings.

Now, just so you understand and appreciate what he was and is like as a combatant in a good old-fashioned melee, let's be clear about his physical stature relative to most of the mooks that he had to deal with.

For reference, I stand at close to 180cm tall and weigh nearly 87Kg. (That's 5'10" and 190lbs to you Americans, with your nonsense system of weights and measures...)

So I easily outmass the average SWPL shitlib. And I'm one of those thick-skulled characters who actually likes to take pads and gloves and go a-waltzing Matilda out on the sparring mat. I've had bloody noses, bone contusions, bruises, skinned knuckles, scratches, scrapes, back injuries, and who knows what else in the process, and I still enjoy doing it.

My teacher stands a good 10cm shorter than I do, probably more, and weighs at least 15Kg less. He doesn't just like to fight- he LIVES to fight. And he can beat the snot out of me with almost no effort.

So when he tells stories about his days as a bar bouncer, they are always worth listening to- not least because he was usually facing multiple attackers, every one of whom were bigger than him.

And as he told us that day, there are few things better in life than standing in the middle of a crowd of chuckleheads armed with a big-ass stick.

It's fantastic. All you have to do is swing and connect with some random dipshit's head, and he goes straight to sleep. Swing, hit, sleep, repeat. There are few things more enjoyable than this- and he loved his job at the time.

(You know your job as a bouncer is interesting when you get to tell stories about how a fight started in the second level of a bar, went all the way down the stairs and through the main hall, and right out the door. Complete with broken glass, smashed beer bottles, tossed chairs, snapped pool cues, and shattered teeth.)

Dire Badger makes note of this fact in some detail too:

One thing I want to mention... one of the problems with events like this is that it's so much FUN. I mean, REALLY fun. I do SCA, but this was real, nonlethal violence, and it's not the first time, this has been happening at rallies, speeches, and events all across the country.

The leftists are retards, but man they sure know how to throw a party. 

[I]t's especially enjoyable if you don't bother communicating with them. Us 'big lifter' guys just wear the ski glasses, stand silently crossing our arms, and then get happy when the first one of them swings a picket sign.

Maybe this time the children will learn their lesson, or else we are going to have to shut down the campuses and Starbucks and asian fusion cafeterias for good.

Indeed. There are few things more exciting for men, in particular, than that kind of roughhousing. There is a reason why war is described as both the greatest and most terrible of all human endeavours, and there is a reason why many men have found that, despite the horrors of war and bloodshed, they have never felt more alive than when in battle.

Dire Badger's suggestion about shutting down the SWPL outlets on campus are well taken, too. I'd say those precious darlings need to have their trust funds cut off also, but then they'd actually have to get real jobs, and, well, that means that we'd be inflicting their snowflakery upon innocent hard-working Americans who did nothing to deserve such a miserable fate.

Dire Badger's fashion tips are superb, and I am truly struggling to improve upon them. But I think I can do something to help there.

You see, a bunch of highly enterprising shitlords decided that what the world really needs is a good set of T-shirts designed for exactly this sort of activity.

Which is where Rayce Riot Apparel comes in.

There are a couple of different ways to get your hands on their gear, and I have to say, their designs are really quite fetching. I personally cannot think of a better shirt to wear to a party like the one at Berkeley than one featuring the grinning face of the God-Emperor- except, maybe, THIS ONE.

So there you are, fellow shitlords. Gear up, stay safe, put on plenty of sunscreen, wear some sort of eye and lung protection (to deal with pepper spray), and remember our creed: SHUT UP AND SHOOT LEFT!!!

Comments

  1. I would like to add one further thing...

    Identification in a brawl is INCREDIBLY important. So even if you are using homebrew gear (and of course, a cup) make DARNED sure that you put an american flag, Maga, or other sticker on the BACK of your helmet.

    I love the Tee shirt, but it might not be clear when the adrenalin is pumping that it is SUPPORTING Trump. If you want to make it clear, make SURE you invest in some kinds of identifying marks so you don't accidentally engage your own people (as happened a couple of times in the brawl)

    You can buy american flag bumper stickers at Walmart for less than a dollar. Putting one on the front of your helmet is good, but make SURE you have one on the BACK. You can even stick the bumper stickers on the shoulders of your tee shirts and they should stay.


    Also, most importantly, avoid the color black. The evil ones have claimed that color quite appropriately. Me, I already have a nice set of polyethylene Lorica Segmentata I will using at the next party (instead of the bike pads, some places I cannot bike to) Designed for SCA events, and I enamelled it with red (with gold edging).

    A bunch of us Romans will also be bringing aluminum-faced, wood-backed shields (With bike tires around the edges to avoid serious injuries...) That we have repainted with the US Navy or Marine Corps Logo... No one will be mistaking us for Antifags.

    Picket signs are cool, but they are likely to be ripped down. make sure you drill a hole through the rod (or improvised weapon if you like) with a good strong cord or, preferably, several loops of dog tag chain, so it doesn't get taken away from you. Cords can be cut by a knife easily, but dog tag chains are much harder to cut.

    If you bring a flag or a banner, bear in mind that it will most likely be a target for the enemy, making YOU a target for the enemy. If you are well armored, go for it... lots of fun bashing to be had. If you are not, It's better to just take a sign or nothing at all. Both sides are playing capture the flag, so don't surrender your battle banner!

    Most important tip: (after the athletic cup, of course) make sure your helmet has a chin strap! It does you NO good to get your helmet knocked off, and those lefties are trying to KILL us... a strong blow to the head WILL kill you, like really ending your own personal life dead despite the fun.

    Don't become a casualty. Your are better as a warrior than a Martyr. Wear your chin strap, and if you lose your helmet, get the hell back to where the cameras are.

    And remember... we are non-lethal, but those bitches are carrying and using knives. If you spot a knife, beating them unconscious, breaking their wrists, or otherwise defending yourself with lethal force is justified. Such antisocial behavior should be discouraged. If you spot a gun, kill the bastard or run like hell... There is no in between. DO NOT PICK IT UP. Hurt any enemies that try to pick it up. Leave your sidearm at home or in your car's gun safe if you plan to participate in the festivities.

    We really don't want headlines like "Right wing nut guns down peaceful protesters." Which are likely to happen even if the leftists are the ones that open fire.

    (Note that if you are planning on hanging back and filming, feel free to carry your sidearm if the police permit it...just use normal gun and personal safety rules)

    Oh, and if you see a Camera from ABC, CNN, NBC, CBS etc inside the fight zone, feel free to toss that thing like a medicine ball as long as you cannot be identified. They are there, they are the enemy, no use letting them get free ratings. Leave Fox alone... they are somewhat neutral.

    Other than that, NO BREAKING STUFF! No rioting, no stealing from shops or breaking windows or rolling cars... We are there to PROTECT American citizens and American property... even the property of the psycho enemy.

    Good luck, and here's hoping you boys get a few flags as trophies.

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  2. Eduardo the Magnificent18 April 2017 at 20:15

    Depending on your dress, there's a lot on the way of lightweight padding you can wear underneath your clothes. Protection for the shin, elbows, hips, thighs, and forearms. Think roller hockey gear or the McDavid or Nike padded clothing for football. A lot of it is made of moisture-wicking material. And don't forget the steel-toed boots.

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  3. I have been thinking about a good bumper sticker for the purposes of triggering liberals, but then you risk people defacing your vehicle while you are in the store, etc.

    I think a shirt is the option I'm gonna go with :)

    I still gotta find the right one though but I really like 'Up is down, war is peace, diversity is strength'. Just ambiguous enough that you'll only get the reasonably intelligent ones triggered, which are the most fun anyway :)

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